Chocolate Soldiers
by neko faust
Summary: Red Vs Blue meets Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. [insert random things here] [insert insanity here]
1. Gold foil

Chocolate Soldiers by nekofaust.

Disclaimer: I don't own red vs blue, or Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. I don't even own me, Tomtthomson owns me.

Chapter One – Gold Foil

The canyon was quiet. O'Malley had taken a mysterious disappearance, and the opposing Armies went back to Blood Gulch to continue their lives. None of them saw the need to stay in at O'Malley's temple, and the alien sort of scared them anyway. It had been almost a year since O'Malley left, and no one knew what he was up to, no one had heard reports of activity. For all they knew he could be dead. So, they went back to their old customs, trying to pretend they didn't know each other, to take away the pain of having to shoot people whom could be considered friends, torn away from each other by fate. This is where we find our cast, out in Blood Gulch, trying to pretend nothing had happened and that they still hated each other.

"Hey Tucker, You hear about that contest?"

"Do we have to catch the most amount of bullets with our torsos?" Tucker asked, looking up from his playboy.

"No…Wait…Uh, no." The blue-clad soldier answered.

"Ah. In that case, we would have sent Simmons." Tucker said, returning his gaze to the centerfold.

"Who?" Caboose asked, puzzled.

"The Maroon guy."

"Riight…Who is he again?" Caboose questioned.

"What kind of contest was it?" Tucker asked, ignoring Caboose's ignorance.

"Something about chocolate and gold tickets"

"Think the gold is worth anything?" Tucker said, imagining himself finding a ticket and pawning it for a mountain of cash.

"You're idiots, the both of you." Church stated, walking out from Blue Base.

"I always rely on Church to tell me what to think!"

Cut to the Reds

"La la la, going to get some gold," Donut sang, on his knees while sifting through rocks and pebbles.

"Donut, what are you doing?"

Donut turned to face the 'puke-colored' soldier, though not rising to indicate long conversation, "Hey Grif! I'm looking for gold," he replied.

"Gold? We're in the middle of a box canyon. A BARREN box canyon. Why would there be gold here, anyway?"

"Caboose said there was gold. The tank lady told him, so he came and told me." Donut said simply.

"Who?" Grif didn't remember and Red by the name Caboose. "Did we get another rookie?"

"We got a rookie?" Donut asked hopefully, then understanding dawned upon him. "Oh! Caboose, no! He's a rookie, but he's the Blue's rookie, we worked with them when chasing O'Malley"

"You know we don't talk about that." Grif scolded. "Besides, I don't think Sarge would be happy if he knew you were talking with a Blue."

"He's not like the other blues, he isn't mean like them, he's actually…really nice."

"A nice Blue?" Grif said, "Somehow, I doubt that." He removed a Willy Wonka chocolate bar from a compartment in his chest (So THAT'S why Tomtt doesn't die when I'm shooting…), unwrapped it, and took a bite.

"Well, I…Like…Caboose, so that's all that matters, right?" He turned back to his searching. "Tucker's Rock...I didn't know someone else was using these rocks!"

"AUGH!" Grif choked, bent over and hacking.

Donut turned again to notice Grif was gagging. Sarge chose that moment to hit Grif from behind. He spat out the gold foil that was caught in his throat. "What in Sweet Vitae? You were supposed to die!" Sarge said incredulously. "So much for the assassination attempt," he mumbled

"What's that?" Donut asked, pointing at the foil.

Grif took a good long look at the chocolate bar that he had dropped while suffocating, then at the gold foil that accompanied it. "It's a ticket…"

Back to the blues…or actually, Caboose and Sheila

"I wonder if this one will have a ticket in it," Caboose mused, something unfamiliar to him, while sitting on top of Sheila's main cannon, having been 'asked' to look after Sheila by Church. He opened the wrapper. Nothing. "Maybe the next one; would you like some, Sheila?" He asked happily.

"I do not eat, Caboose" Sheila answered rather curtly.

"Oh…Food time!" He shoved the whole bar in his mouth.

Elsewhere, Church and Tucker were talking about Caboose's gullibility

"I swear, the only thing he's good for is the chocolate." Church said, unwrapping a bar.

"Well, he found you, and was able to carry Andy," Tucker said. He looked from a crack in the ceiling, to Church, who was gaping open-mouthed at his gold-swathed chocolate.

"Well, that's rather…Interesting." Church said.

"What the fuck? I want to go!" Tucker said, jealous and knowing that the ticket-holders can bring one other person.

"Hell no, I'm taking Tex!"

"You're still in love with her, aren't you?" Tucker teased.

"…Shut the fuck up…"

Back to Caboose and Sheila. Caboose is beginning to get full, and Sheila is getting littered with wrappers

"Do you think I'll get a ticket?" Caboose asked, opening his seventh bar.

"Sure, Caboose" Sheila said, distracted.

"Si, senior" Lopez said, walking up to them.

"Hello, Lopez" Sheila and Caboose said in unison. Caboose with malice and Sheila with adoration.

Caboose looked down at Lopez, and caught a glint of gold. "Ah! My gold, it's made of chocolate!"

"Congratulations, Caboose" Sheila said.

"Sheila, will you go with me? It says here I can bring someone with me!"

"Puede leyer? (He can read?)" Lopez sneered.

"I'm sorry, Caboose, but I'm already being taken."


	2. Pairs of two and four

Chocolate Soldiers Chapter 2 – Pairs of Four and Eight

The Reds

"How the Hell'd you get one?" Simmons asked, amazed. "Sarge should have gotten that ticket. He'd make a much better candidate." He concluded.

"My number two once again" Sarge assured.

"You are such a kissass!" Grif spat.

"Give your ticket to Sarge." Simmons demanded.

"What, no way!" Grif said, appaled.

Simmons stepped toward Grif, pistol raised to strike. Sarge looked on with bored amusement.

Grif backed away, fell off the top of Red Base, landing right on his tailbone. He recovered quickly, and scrambled in the direction of the Blue Base.

Where Donut was, tucker was at his rock, doing whatever it is he should be ashamed of at his rock. A very frightened Red appeared, and in his frenzy, tripped over the rock, falling backwards.

"Ah!" Grif yelled as he fell onto his back, the armor took most of the impact, however. "Son of a bitch!"

"Hey, Red, you alright?" Tucker asked, slipping into his boxers before the Red could notice.

"That fucking hurt!" Grif clutched the back of his head, looking to the blue, he said, "Hey, Blue, can you hold onto this? I'll take you with me if you do." He shoved the ticket into Tuckers bare hands. Grif looked at Tucker's naked hand, then to the rest of his semi-muscular, tan body, and to the heap of his armor on the ground, to the writing on the rock, and back to Tucker. "Uh..." What had he just gotten himself into?

To Sheila, Caboose, and Lopez

"Ese maricon recebio una boleta? Cuanto chocolate tenia que comer? (That idiot got a ticket? How much chocolate did he have to eat?)"

"That's not very nice, regardless of truth." Sheila scolded.

"Quen to lleva? (Who is taking you?)" Lopez asked.

"Tex is my escort"

"Ese mercenario? (the mercenary)" Lopez asked.

"Why would Tex take you?" Caboose questioned.

"It's a girl thing." Sheila replied.

"Well, I am just happy that I get to see you there!"

"Mi corazon llora con tristeza,(My heart cries in sadness)!" Lopez toned as he ran off.

Cut to Church, walking through Blood Gulch

"Where the Hell is that bitch?" Church cursed, scoping out the canyon for dark armor.

"You called?" Tex drawled from behind Church, surprising him.

"Hello, Bastard," Church said, smiling despite the fact she couldn't see it.

"Hello, Prick," Tex replied, "I picked up the feed from your conversation with Tucker, and the answer is no." She said, casually inspecting her pistol.

"Oh…" His face fell, again, despite being hidden by his helmet's visor. "Why not, gone lesbian on me?" he laughed.

"You could say that. Besides, I have a ticket already." She pulled it out from a random armor piece. "And don't think giving away your ticket will help, I'm already taking Sheila."

"The tank?" Church asked, surprised.

"The tank." She confirmed, nodding.

"Crap" Church intoned.

A little later, on the cliff outside of Red Base

"Time to go to sleep standing up with my eyes open, as is my custom." Sarge said, settling himself into a comfortable position.

"Sarge?" Church said, having left shortly his encounter with Tex. He looked at the Standard-Red soldier.

"Can't you see that I'm sleeping!" Sarge jumped.

"Uh, right…Sorry…" Church droned, not really meaning it.

"What do you want?" He questioned, a little piqued at having his nap interrupted.

'Should I ask him? Might as well…' Church straightened a little, "Want to go to the chocolate factory with me?" He flashed his ticket.

"I never thought I'd see the day I'd be asked for anything from a Blue, but I guess I accept…Dirtbag."

Donut cand Caboose, in the Blue's cave

"It seems everyone in this canyon is getting gold." Donut mused.

"Maybe the Candy Man messed up, and put them all in the same box?"

"Grif got one."

"Church got one, as did Tex, who's taking Sheila." Caboose looked a little sad.

"I wish I could go, I don't think there's anyone left to take me, though."

"Why don't you come with me? It'll be fun!"


End file.
